Last two lines suck

too optimistic...

Dreams torn to pieces, broken like glass

Hope faded away, withered like leaves
Not knowing is blessing, ignorance the only protection

Nothing is numbing my pain
The fragments of my faith
Became the blade in my hand
Just darkness my eyes see
Pushed me to the end of all dead-end-streets

A curse - cannot lie to myself
I'm doomed - cannot silence my heart
Fear is the tool, conformity our medicine

Nothing is numbing my pain
The fragments of my faith
Became the blade in my hand
Just darkness my eyes see
Pushed me to the end of all dead-end-streets

How can I smile as this age dies, like everybody else
Dancing around the fire, that burns this world
the fire, that burns this world

Cannot bend down, I would just break
I hate myself for playing their game
Parents poison their children, never teach them to question

Nothing is numbing my pain
The fragments of my faith
Became the blade in my hand
Just darkness my eyes see
Pushed me to the end of all dead-end-streets

If it only wasn't for this certainty in me
I am a giant in their tiny world

So pathetic...

This text is from a long time ago, like 5-6 months..i've changed, I'm not drinking anymore lol (what a change)

I dont wanna talk about it but I need to

Ive just had my zillionesim panic attack and today it lasted for about 2-3 fuckin hours

The worst hours of my meaningless existence

First my stupid humor changed and I went from bubbly happy to extremely angry and irritaded, then my mom just giving a hand started saying really cool things that made me feel like I was the biggest failure ever (hell yeah, next time bite the hand that feeds you honey!) 

So I, for being so controlled, not impulsive and sane, started agressing her in the hope she would just shut up, but she didnt, and my grandmother watching the whole thing began to scream of how I was wrong and sucked, wut a help...so  I slashed her computer

After doing all these things that Im defitely not proud of I felt like I deserved to die cause acting like that proves for sure how I am not a good person..I dont know why I have to punish myself, anyway

Thinking about how I would have another bite of suicide this time I went crazy, yeah the panic attack started...

A brief discription : sweat, headacke, body contortions, lots of fisical pain, tension, extremely fast heartbeats, the feeling and fear of getting closer to insanity or death

During this I felt I needed a rescue, someone to fuckin save me...wut a "never going to happen" feeling, so I tried to scream for help but the only things that came out were gutural or highpitched horrible animalesque sounds, I prolly stayed like that for 1 hour also crying of course, wut will explain the big swalloed eyes for tomorrow

In the meantime my grandma came into the room and tried to help but with that my mom came as well saying all the good things she always says, just for the record shes an alcoholic, and was for sure under the influence, so I got even worse and she started shouting that I was posessed, then I was able to shout NO cause I didnt want the attack to start again and all the cutest loveable mom ever! words

After some minutes my mom banished my grandma and took her place, and she goes: " It all started again, and to the psychiatrist we go, Ill submit you again.." I couldnt calm down like that, the screaming restarted and my mom did the same what made things go to a higher pain level

More time ran away and so did I when I finally was able to move, though after all the brain chemistry my body was like gelly lol I went to another room and I was followed

For other whole hour there was for me more paralyzation screaming crying fear tentatives of scape 

And to the others all also chaotic with voices shouting door slamming things throwed flying in the air

But even seeming that couldnt be and end to all this I was...or I still wouldnt be able to be writing (really slowly but I am) the illuminated housekeeper that I love and never ever has let me down arrived, everyone thought it was the police

well, my angel made them all shut up just holded me in her arms and it all went away, finaly I could breathe again, she stayed with me and when my crying ceased and I came here to write, she went to sleep

She said to me that tomorrow would be another day, I would see other people, and that led me to my comfort zone again

It worked for me to get better but thinking bout it now, yes, I will se other people tomorrow and I will feel as I always do, left out, misunderstood, isolated, different and alone...I just dont fit and I want so bad to, Ive always wanted to be like everyone but never managed to and I hate it specially to be called strange for years

Now I just dont mind wanna drink to no end, find a way to destroy this existence cause I didnt ask to be born, my family is disfunctional, I have no friends, I love no one, hate myself and protesting against this kind of world led me to nowhere as Henry Hollins said "You can have a fucked up life anywhere"

Sociopathic inclinations

Everything is so fucked up, and I am goin to right in fuckin english cause I want to. This sucks, I don't really know why I'm doing this...I had a blog once, but I was like 13 years old, haven't change much, maybe a little more hate, a lot more hate. People suck, don't know why, can't understand, can't comprehend, they just suck, but it's kind of (totally) impossible that everybody must suck, I just can't believe that, though I really want to (and most ppl that I know force me to). Every day I wake up sad, cause I don't wanna wake up, then I don't eat, cause I don't feel like to, then I drown in books, then I paint, after that I can breathe a lil' seems like I feel a lil' bit less bad, but it ends.

Everything ends. My life is a mess, but whose life isn't? The worst is that I don't want it to be, I was never happy, no. I was, but just for maybe 4 months, 2 days..? I don't know, but it was really short and punctual, and lost. I try not to forget, but it's just so not much. I hate that. I wanna know why, it ain't fair, for most people (though I hate everyone) lol, i'm lost probably..I try I really try, I'm not saying that to make me feel better, when I try is because I want to, I don't give up, that's my problem, maybe I should. Maybe everyone else should too, but I cannot do a thing bout everyone else, so lost...

Yes, the title, yes, i'm getting crazy, columbine is starting to make sense lol, no i'm not gonna do that but sometimes...lolz, not that! all that! but there are some ppl i would like to. no regret at all.